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Saturday, November 15, 2008

My heart...

Now that the cat is officially out of the bag I feel as though I can breathe again. Whether I should or not, I want to once again share my heart with you in complete transparency...I feel as though I can open my heart and blog again. For the past few weeks things have been so confusing at times and it felt like my heart would suffer a wound that would not be recovered from easily.

I went from complete trust to sorrow...then on to wonder and then to hope...and back to sorrow again but that time with despair lingering near. So much to think about and so little time...isn't that just terrible? Not the time part...but the "so much to think about" part.

It's a great thing to be able to think about stuff and try to figure it out in your brain...don't get me wrong but oh how we females love to plan and figure things out and OH how we let go of the guiding hand of our father when we prefer to think things out on our own rather than lock onto His eyes and trust that He will lead us safely down the path.

The TRUTH is that it is in Him that I place my trust. Not in the responses of others or the plans of man but in my faithful God. I have gotten so many loving emails from you and I can't tell you how much I appreciate them. I am still taking it all in breath by beautiful breath...but I am really excited about seeing you again and being able to have a more active part in your life.

Even though I know we will return someday...I feel as though I am grieving at times. Some precious awesome people that God brought our way while we were on furlough this last time said something that really stuck with John and I and I think it helps describe what I'm going through to a T.

They talked about how Abraham finally had been given his son...which was a promise that he had been waiting on...and waiting on...and he finally was able to grasp his promise in his hands and his promise was reaching maturity...and then what did God ask him to do with it? Sacrifice it...lay it down on the alter to God....

Did Abraham say "BUT GOD! This is MY PROMISE! I waited so long and here it is and you want me to give it up?" I feel the same way sometimes about leaving Thailand at this time. I feel like we've been working so hard and there have been many wonderful things that have happened and God has done some awesome things but we were and are ready to see even greater things. Because of our break throughs in language and excitement about Thailand we felt as if we were really more equipped vessels to be able to see revival fires sweep across Thailand...
It seemed as if we were stepping into our promise and now we are to give it up until God sees fit to send us back. What I've struggled with...in my lameness...has been...will I trust God's perspective. I know it's the ultimate perspective...he sees the big picture...while I'm zoomed in on Thailand...he's zoomed in on the world. Will I allow my dreams and my wants and my hopes to be subject to His plans and wishes? For they are far better than my own.

The answer is yes...of course it is yes! I love Thailand...I really do...like a friend that I've come to know and love for her weaknesses and beauty...but as great as this friend is and as deep as the love for her is in my heart...I fully trust His plans.

Above all else, I'm excited because this is what God has planned. I pray that we will stay focused and in Him enough to be dead to ourselves so that he can use us to the maximum in whatever he sees fit. There are so many unknowns and I'm glad about it. I'm glad that I can't make plans right now. I'm glad that I don't know where we will stay or how we will make it...I'm ever so glad that I don't know what Denver holds...I don't want to underestimate what God is going to do by my assumptions or plans.

I've been thinking a lot about what we've done in Thailand over the past four years and I'm amazed at what we've accomplished and been a part of...but even more than that I am amazed at the work that God has done in our lives. While we were on a mission for God...he was also on a mission masterfully working on us.

I realize now that we were in the prime position for God to move and mold our lives in order to change our stubborn flesh and etch himself upon our hearts. I yearn to maintain that position upon returning to the states. I yearn to continue to allow Him to be the reason I wake in the morning and that my day is about furthering the kingdom...

Don't get me wrong...a lot of my days are "off days" but because we set our hearts on being missionaries for Him and giving our lives for Him...we gave him liberties that at times when we are living our lives in America we just don't give. Upon returning to America...I will continue to put my trust, my hopes, my desires, my children, my husband...in summary...my life in His hands to do with as he pleases. I want to encourage you today in your life...as you are walking with Him.

What is it that you need to surrender to Him? Are you trying to figure everything out in your own strength? My husband said something tonight on the phone with a dear friend that I heard in passing..."It's not about you and how good you are and how well you live...if you've done enough...it's about Jesus and His grace. It's about the power that lives in you that enables you to do great things beyond yourself."

Trust God with your life...you won't be disappointed.
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And now for a few pics from the past week or so....


Yeah...I made this! Wahoo! Well, if my memory serves me correctly then many of you will be like...that looks like NASTYNESS...WHY would you be proud of that!?! It's DELICIOUS that's why! It's called Laap Moo...and maybe if you invite me to your house I'll make you some!

This is Josiah on our field trip to a silk factory...

Me and my big boy...


I believe his exact words were: "Oh yeah, I made this..."

This is hilarious to me. We decided to look up some games to play as a family in the evening times and we found this one called "Doggie Doggie where's your bone". So someone sits in a chair with a "bone" under their seat (can be any object that you can hide on your persons fairly easily) and that person is facing away from everyone else.

Everyone sits quietly...well, I barked for fun when I was it...but that's besides the point. Someone comes up and steals the bone...and once someone has it you say "doggie, doggie, where's your bone...some one took it from your home. Who could it be...maybe me..."

Then the "doggie" turns around and tries to figure out who has the "bone"(a tennis ball in this cae). In the picture above I caught a moment that I will cherish for many years to come...this is Josiah saying...I don't know who has it mommy...all the while thinking the ball is well hidden on his head! LOL!

We later played "honey, if you love me...you'll smile". By the way, don't play me in this game...you will LOSE! muahhahahaha...(just thought of you Barb...your family practicing your sinister laughs together...ha! Oh and I have not forgotten that I am tagged... :)


Beautiful Jossalyn...her nose is a little banged up...she tried to follow her brothers out the back door in her walker...
She looks sooo chubby in this pic! She's sitting up all by herself now!

This is Josiah totally FREAKING OUT about the bandaids that were sent from America in a box from our family at Liberty Lighthouse...I had NO CLUE this would be as huge of a deal as it was. Now every time I turn around someone "needs" a bandaid...even Jude goes around saying "owie...mommy...bandaid please"
Another huge hit...ring pops!

The Pruetts volunteered to take the kids to the Night Safari tonight...they had a blast...I'm so glad because I don't know how well I'd do with all 9 of those kids....

Me and my baby girl...oh she's sooo precious!

Jude staring down the lepord...he's so brave...

Little Jude is 3 years old TOMORROW! Happy Birthday my little brick! We love you sooo much and I'm in awe as I watch you grow into the unique and strong little boy that you are! MUAH!

2 comments:

Barb said...

I love the picture of the 'hidden' bone... that's great!

Happy birthday, little Jude!!

I love reading your blogs, Steph... I can just hear you talking...
"that looks like NASTYNESS"! Oh, I laughed at that one!

Love ya'll

Barb said...

I think I posted, I'm not sure