Unbelief...

Hello all...

I am writing as a humbled daughter of a mighty King. I am so in awe of His love and grace that I can barely contain myself enough to write about it. It seems that God has brought us to this "parking lot" called Chiang Mai to do what you do in any parking lot...get out...get what you need...then get on your way to your real destination. It seems as though this pit stop on our way to Narratiwat in Southern Thailand is a well spring of life...sanctifiying us in ways we never knew needed His attention.

I feel as though we are in the very grip of his hand. As if he's molding and inspecting every piece of His creation...finding each crack and missing piece...each deformed section and preparing it for a grand purpose. I feel His pleasure in me. You see, this is something I've always struggled with in my walk but I had no idea that it was such a gapping hole in "body". I have found that I have been struggling with unbelief. Had you asked me a month ago if I struggled with unbelief...I would have gladly told you that I have seen so much and felt so much that I could NEVER struggle with unbelief.

I have known Him and leaned on Him when everything around me fell at my feet...and He was my strong tower. He was what kept me up...His love for me. My truest love. So how do I struggle with unbelief in God? Well, to my shock...it goes something like this...
Jesus has called me friend...He loves me. I am the righteousness of God. I am a daughter of the King...He knows the plans He has for me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I AM the righteousness of God...I am forgiven...

Unbelief...in all of the above. Not walking in the freedom that I am truly forgiven and have been extended more grace than I could ever need. Unbelief in God's promises about me. Not choosing to walk in His truth. I've been beaten down for so long by the enemy in this area that. At times I'm like a battered woman that can not believe I am of any true worth...I never do it right...never live up to the standards I have set for myself (believing they were set by God). I'm not saying that I shouldn't strive for a righteous and holy life...I'm just saying that condemnation is not of God and I have to rely on His grace.

God has brought me to the mission field to win souls...but first and formost...we are to walk in belief in our God and His word...to have a deep intimate relationship with Him and to love others as Jesus did. Be TRUE disciples of Jesus...counting the cost. If we focus on the first two things...abiding in Him and loving others...Just as Jesus said in: Matthew 22:37: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. 38This is the first and greatest commandment. 39And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself." then all else falls into place.

I praise God for His grace. One thing that the pastor of the church we've been going to said really stuck with me...In the Bible it talkes about Peter and Peter's love for Jesus. Peter always pretty much boasts about how much he loved Jesus. In Luke Peter talks about how he would gladly go to prison for Him. He was zealous enough in his love that when Jesus was being arrested he cut off that guys ear...but yet he denyed Jesus 3 times!!! Now in comparison...John always boasted about how much God loved him. In his own book...that he wrote...he calls himself John the Beloved! HA! He truly grasped the love of God for him and he reveled in it.
I am experiencing the fullness of God doing this work in me:

"Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. 18 And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. 19 May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God." Ephesians 3:17

Like I said before...I really thought I knew God loves me. I really thought I had this down and the last thing I thought would happen upon arriving in Chiang Mai that God would be refining and sanctifying me...I thought I would be working hard on learning Thai alone...not allowing God to truly love me and to truly accept his grace. I truely believe the reason for this work is that where we are going...only true devotion and eyes focused on our savior will be able to stand firm.

Thank you God for doing this work in me and for preparing us for your work. We surrender to all that you have and will joyfully accept any trial that you want to bring forth to work our patience and bring us into complete surrender to you in every aspect of our lives.

I pray you find yourself with your roots going down DEEP into the love of our God...brining you then into power and life abundant...overflowing onto all around you! May the FIRE of God burn in your heart! I'll write again soon. Thank you for reading...