Sunday, October 26, 2008

Warfare....Heart mover...

I everyone! Ok...sooo...whew. It's been a rough 2 days! But it's better. I have spent most of the last 48 hours sleeping. Yeah...I said "sleeping". It was so rough I just felt like sleeping to escape thinking about anything. Is that the right way to handle things my friends? NO! (I am shocked that I was able to do is not possible but my husband, sensing my mood seemed to move mountains to allow me to sleep) I would love to report to you that at the first onset of feelings of despair I hit my knees straight away and told that devil where he could go with his ugly thoughts...but...uhh...I didn't...

I thought it was just hormones trying to balance themselves out since I've cut WAY back on breast feeding. And then I thought it was just because it seemed extra hot that day and THEN it was because my boys were fighting more than usual that day...THEN it was because I just missed my friends in America...and then and then and then!

BAH! So this evening...way too late in the game if you ask me...I realized what was happening. I was standing there doing dishes...oh how I had to make myself do every single dish! I kept thinking about how nice it would be to wash dishes with hot water and how dare that shop stop selling the good dish soap...that actually cleans the dishes...instead of having to scrub each dish a gratillion times to get the grime off...uh...where was I? Oh yeah, there I was washing the dishes...HAPPILY! LOL...ok...that would be a lie...I was TOTALLY grumbling and complaining.

While all of these "pleasant" thoughts are rumbling through my head I just all the sudden thought of one of my favorite books of all time. "This Present Darkness" by Frank Perretti. I thought of the images that I had created in my head while reading that in particular of this humble pastor fighting for his congregation...for his city...down on his knees, alone in his this small town sanctuary. Frank Peretti brings you into that small town sanctuary as if you were one of it's members and you can feel the heart of this pastor seeking heaven for his sheep.

The thing that really got me was the extreme warfare going on over someone praying. I won't give you any more than's too awesome of a story but as I sat dishes and I...and as I grumbled and shifted fighting my flesh...I realized - yet again I had let my eyes be turned to the side. For had I not, I would have seen everything as clearly as the sun on a cloudless day. I would have recognized the enemies first dart and stood firm against the coming onslaught. I thought about the yesterday evening and how I just laid in the boys bed until I made myself go to the middle of the day. I was just desperate not to think about anything anymore.

Things have not been that BAD people! I just felt hopeless and just the day before I was talking to John about what a relief I had felt in the spirit and how I knew people have been a night and day difference...and then this. Now...I know it sounds like hormones and yeah, I'll give you 5% on that. But the other 95% was an attack. I won't go into detail about what all was causing all of this turmoil only to say that it is all lies. You can choose to look at your circumstances through the eyes of the world or through the eyes of our leads to hopelessness and the other to clarity, trust, happiness and joy.

I stood there at my little sink and started praying in my head until it flowed out of my lips with passion and fire as it should have when this began. I told the enemy I would not hear another word and I reminded him that we are the victorious ones and those who trust in the Lord will NOT BE MOVED! Commanded him and all of his to leave me and my family alone. He might have dominion over the neighbors but as long as we dwell in this house it is God's property and I nor any member of my family will be toyed with any longer.

I felt instantaneous relief. I finished the dishes and put the boys to bed then prayed over them. I know if I feel the effects of everything then they must feel it too - especially Josiah. Josiah has really been testing me lately...more than normal. They have been pushing limits of brotherhood and I just don't know what to think about it sometimes. I have a half brother but we're 10 years apart and I don't ever remember fighting except for one time when he hurt my feelings over something silly and I put a sign up that said "No brothers allowed" (remember that Bubba?). That was the extent of it.

John describes how him and his sisters used to fight all the time and sometimes he tells me that it's normal and I just take a breath and say...ok...and I remind myself that they are not perfect and I don't expect them to be and I can't expect them to act like adults...they are going to be selfish and self serving at times. If it's not Josiah it's Jude and vice versa. For the first time I am seeing them purposefully trying to get on each others nerves and doing spiteful things to each other and honestly it just eats away at me.

During these past few months I have realized more than ever that parenting is something that you have to approach with fear and trembling...knowing that you have to have God's have to have wise council and you have to love beyond yourself. But what it comes down to is that it's our job as their parents to teach them what is right and wrong and to teach them the Word of God and allow God to do the real work/change on their hearts.

I've never been good at that. It seems like my whole life I've been trying to do God's job at changing hearts. I felt for sooo long that if I could just say the right words...give them the right there at the right moment THEN they would wake up and come back to Him...but it's never been about what I could do. It's been about what God can do and what that person wants to allow God to do. Yes you can be instruments used by God but He is the heart mover. Now with my little guys hearts...I know they are good...they are GOOD sweet boys...just not to each other recently. It's been really hard staying patient, kind and gentle...let me TELL YOU! But if at anytime I should be those things to my should be now.

John returned home shortly afterward and I was so glad to see his face. He is my most cherished gift from the children are so incredible but my John...I find comfort in His eyes and the creases on his face when he smiles. His laughter is contagious and in his arms I find rest. I find my ultimate comfort and rest in my Savior and I see the love of my Savior mirrored in my husband through security and all encompassing, unwavering love.

OK...too gooshy for ya? Sorry...So anyway, soon after all that I was able to speak to my good friend Shawna back in the states for a very short bit and it's always good to hear her voice and what God is doing in her life. She encouraged me even more just letting me know that people are praying and reading. When I started blogging I never thought it would be what it is today...

I would have never dreamed that it would be something so important to me. I THOUGHT it was just for family and friends back home to keep up with us but now I find it a tool to share my heart and to hopefully get into your mind and heart so that you would pray for us too! So thank you my blogging friends...all of you who read and comment and means the world to me. Thank you...

Come back soon to see me on a BUFFALO...! ha! Yeah, I said BUFFALO! AND please continue to keep Renee in your prayers (or Carrie as some of you know her). While she is not having fever like she was having she is now having some issues with her abdomin...I'll keep you updated.

With love,